Satire: ‘Money Honey’ Signs with Murdock for New WJS Feature

Maria Bartiromo signs with Murdock to be first Wall Street Journal Girl. When asked to comment the ‘Money Honey’ said that she was motivated by rumors that the girls for the new feature would be flat-chested and have a big butt. Maria appeared with Murdock in a news conference to launch the new feature. Maria said in her statement that the feature should not be compared to the Page Six girls in the New York Post. Rather the Wall Street Journal girls will always wear glasses and will represent the raising sexual power of the aggressive woman in a global economy. When asked directly if that meant that a blond flat chested woman with a big butt from Connecticut would never appear in the new feature, Murdock was quick to assure the blond big butted CNN news bunny that there would be no discrimination based on body type. Any woman would be consider for inclusion in the feature as long as she had slept with a married CEO of a fortune 500 company, worn glasses, and represented the high ideals of the commercial markets of the world.

Murdock went on to say that this would represent a unique perspective on woman and Wall Street. Bartiromo added that she was tired of the women of the financial world being ignored.

"I’m tired of seeing sexy soccer moms and plastic bimbos. Sexually is about power and who better epitomizes power and sex that than the newly liberated woman of the world of global commerce. We have waited a long time to be free of the chains of liberalism.’

When I was growing up it was assumed that if you were a woman you were compassionate and caring and loved children. My mother pleaded with me to be nice. She begged me to join her protesting the plight of the children of poverty. Well let assure you, I hate children. I would no more breast feed a child than I would protest against Kellogg Root. We are woman all over the globe who has dedicated our lives to money and power. M & A’s turn us on. And we’re proud of it."

Neil Cavuto clearly uncomfortable with Bartiromo’s forceful and sexually charged statement prefaced his question to Murdock by reminding the audience that the men of
Wall Street were also powerful and sexually charged. He challenged Murdock to occasionally spot light the Wall Street man. As a FOX employee he was a long time and member of the Murdock family; he went on to say he considers Murdock a force for good in the world.

Cavuto when on to ask Murdock whether there would be any famous mistresses gracing the pages of the WSJ. Murdock said that although there had been rumors of a new feature on Wall Street mistresses he preferred to focus his early efforts on trophy wives. He felt that at least for the time being he had an obligation to honor his commitment to the Bancroft family. Murdock reportedly promised the Bancroft family that he would not make any changes to WSJ that would be considered degrading for a period of two weeks. Murdock at the same time reiterated his commitment to non-discrimination. We will feature mistresses of all types, famous and non-famous alike throughout WSJ.

Murdock congratulated Cavuto on his suggestion and assured him that the idea would be considered, he also however, assured the audience that Cavuto would never be considered; "We will have not ass licking lackeys in the new WSJ!" Murdock flatly stated. Cavuto was seen leaving the auditorium with either tears or hair oil streaking down his face.

Just as the news conference was about to break-up the nattily dressed David Gregory of NBC news strove onto the stage.

“Bonjour Monsieur and Bonsoir Mademoiselle, I’m here to ask the tough questions, but before I do I have a short announcement to make. Don Imus has been hired as the new executive editor of the Wall Street Journal. I just wanted to assure the public and let Don know I have his back, as I did with the ‘nappy-headed hoe’ thing.”

Who better to head the most prestigious journal of greed in the world than the man that had just succeeded in squeezing 20 million dollars out of CBS by calling a team of young woman basketball players ‘nappy-headed hoes?’

At that point Murdock annoyed that Gregory had scooped his own newspapers by the Imus announcement ended the news conference and escorted Bartiromo off the stage.

Image of Bartiromo courtesy of Gothem City Insider

Image of Murdock courtesy of The Center for American Progress